Tag: Montana

Fun fact: did you know that male horses masturbate? Yeah, neither did I. I found out the hard way (pun totally intended).

My first time through the park, I was super bummed that I hadn’t seen any wild mustangs. That was why I had decided to make the 3 1/2 hour drive to Bighorn Canyon in the first place: this part of the Pryor Mountains is home to a huge wildlife refuge for feral horses.  But I had seen zero 😦

I was driving back through the park on my way to the main road back to Montana when I saw this handsome so-and-so grazing by himself several hundred feet off the road. No one was around, so I got out of my car, positioned myself downwind, and started walking toward him to get a clearer shot (with my camera…I hope that goes without saying).  At first, he seemed completely unfazed that I was there, but after we made eye contact a couple times, he started slowly making his way toward me. Now, all the signs in the park request you keep a 100 foot distance between yourself and the wildlife (totally understandable) so I start making my way back to the road. I want a gorgeous picture, but not at the risk of causing any anxiety for the animal. So I sat on the hood of the rental car, and he came right up to the road, maybe 50 feet away, and continued to graze. We sat like that for maybe 15 min. It was really beautiful. He seemed so serene and gentle…but he was also covered in scars, so I knew there was a side to him that I wasn’t seeing and made me wonder what circumstances lead to him being out there completely alone.

It was getting cold, the sun was going down, and so I started to climb off the hood and get back into the car when the stallion looked up. We locked eyes, and we didn’t move for a good minute or so…then he slowly starts walking toward me, maintaining eye contact. As he’s moving, I notice that he has a MASSIVE ERECTION. Like, I’m talking over a foot long and the width of my forearm. It was TERRIFYING. I would post pictures (because OF COURSE I took a picture) but it would be super NSFW. This is not that kind of blog, people.

Anyway, then he starts slapping his erection against his stomach, all while still slowly walking toward me, maintaining eye contact. Slap. Slap. Slap. It felt very…erm…personal? I wasn’t sure what to do with that, um, gesture on his part. It felt very sexually aggressive. Really, there should really be signs posted clearly around the park explaining that there is a chance, however slight, that you may involuntarily arouse a horse. And that said horse may want to act on it. I was a bit, um, startled (??) by this turn of events…I’ve never been propositioned by a horse before…so I did what every American does in times of crisis/confusion: I got in my car and asked the internets. And apparently, according to science, (because OF COURSE science studies this shit), males horses masturbate 13-14 times a day (WHAT?????) and they do this by smacking their erect junk against their stomachs. So, apparently, this stallion was digging my red lipstick/cowboy boots/Nirvana White vibe…and no judgement. My kryptonite happens to be artistic/lean/scruffy/tattooed/emotionally unavailable men.  To each their own. Let your freak flag fly, you beautiful, horny stallion. Here’s hoping neither of us stay alone for long 🙂